August 31, 2016

Ask the Counselor

Manley, Kristi ABy Kristi A. Manley, LMHC, LCPC
Licensed Mental Health Counselor
Lutheran Family Service

Question: I’ve been hearing so much about “healthy boundaries in relationships.” To me, it just sounds like a bunch of psycho-babble and means we have to put up walls between ourselves and others. Surely, that can’t be good. What are boundaries and how do they help a relationship?

Answer: Many people wonder about what the American poet Robert Frost meant in his poem: Mending Wall, when he repeats the old proverb: “Good fences make good neighbors.” In the context of the poem, two neighbors get together once a year to “walk the fence” that divides their property for the purpose of mending whatever parts need repair. One neighbor does not understand the importance of performing this ritual each year and furthermore, wonders why the wall is even necessary. All the while, the other neighbor simply answers his query with “good fences make good neighbors.” In my counseling practice, I like to explain it this way: Relationships are important to everyone. They are the primary way we get our material and emotional needs met. To have relationships that are healthy, however, requires that, while we get our needs met, it is important to know where the “lines are.”

In other words: “Here is where I stop and you start.” The answer to your question has to do with how we develop our sense of self in the very beginning of life, when as infants we soon discover that the face we are looking into is not “me,” but rather, “you.” This infantile discovery is what we might call the very first boundary we become aware of. To be more specific, boundaries are the physical, psychological and
emotional dividing line between “me” and “you.” Boundaries that are “safe” promote 1) a healthy sense of control over one’s own life, 2) mental and spiritual health, 3) a knowledge of self, 4) self-mastery (a feeling of competence that one can take care of oneself), and 5) satisfying and respectful relationships.

The “true self” or “inner self” as explained in Charles Whitfield in his book: Boundaries in Relationships, is our inner reality. It is that part of each of us that is comprised of all our dreams, hopes, ambitions, thoughts, wants, feelings, and needs. It is the part of us that formulates attitudes, behaviors and beliefs with which we engage or negotiate the world around us. Ineffective or harmful boundaries: 1) cut us off from knowing our true self, 2) make us subject to faulty beliefs about the real world, 3) create confusion and “emotional reasoning,” (i.e. ‘I feel bad, therefore I must BE bad.’) and 4) make it difficult for us to act on our own behalf or advocate for ourselves. Over time, certain attitudes, behaviors and beliefs become “automatic” and harmful. They actually get in the way of meeting those needs we can provide for ourselves, and receiving the support for our needs which others provide through relationship. Unhealthy boundaries may be characterized by the following:

  • Trusting no one
  • Trusting anyone
  • Telling all
  • Talking on an intimate level at first meeting
  • Falling in love with a new acquaintance
  • Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries
  • Letting others direct your life
  • Letting others describe your reality
  • Believing others can anticipate your needs
  • Falling apart so that someone will care for you
  • Black and White thinking (all or nothing)
  • Going against personal rights and values to please another

When someone’s personal boundaries are violated, either through experiences of abuse, rejection or abandonment in early life, the results prove harmful to the development of the “true self.” Feelings become confused, the “true self” goes into hiding. What emerges are patterns of behavior that can go from extreme people-pleasing and passivity to extreme controlling behaviors.

Emotional dependency or co-dependency are terms which are also commonly used, but misunderstood in our society today. They occur when external sources such as another person or relationship become the focus of self-esteem rather than one’s own intrinsic worth as a human being or in one’s own achievements. Because of this dynamic, emotional dependency leads to clingy, needy behaviors where partners lose themselves in each other. Eventually, hostility and helplessness can set in, leading to traumatic divisions and break-ups.

Healthy boundaries can be learned and strengthened in therapy. To embark on a new and unfamiliar way of interacting with others can be daunting, but very satisfying when one sees cooperation, mutual respect and inter-dependence begin to grow between oneself and loved ones.

For more information, contact: Kristi Manley, LMHC, LCPC (563) 359-0696 or kmanley@LFSiowa.org

Kristi Manley is a licensed mental health counselor employed at Lutheran Family Service in Bettendorf, IA. She brings biblical values and a quiet faith to her work with individuals, couples and families seeking insight, support and encouragement to solve problems and move their lives forward. Kristi has thirteen years’ experience in mental health counseling.

Filed Under: Health & Wellness, Personal Growth

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