50+ Lifestyles

Just Saying…

By Q.C. Jones

The Ghost of New Year’s Resolutions Past  

For some goofy reason, New Years has been deemed a time for life changing resolutions. Other holidays drive the economy by way of greeting card, flowers and pumpkin sales.  Stories of Hallmark investing heavily in promoting holiday card exchanges are legendary. Pumpkin farmers pump out something like 150 Million buck’s worth of orange gourds every year with about 90 percent of the crop coming from an area surrounding nearby Peoria Illinois. Further reinforcing my thoughts around industry driven spending, let me ask you, when was the last time you saw pumpkin outside of the Halloween to Christmas season? Aside from a few gym memberships, I have no idea who drives the New Year’s Resolution industry.

According to statistics gathered by a group called the Statistic Brain Research Institute, the top-10 New Year’s resolutions in order of popularity are: Losing weight, getting organized, saving more money, enjoying life to the fullest, staying fit, learning something exciting, quitting smoking, helping others achieve their dreams, falling in love and spending more time with family.  The list is positive and upbeat.  With the exception of getting organized and losing weight all seem to be kind of fun.

The sad truth is most folks fail. Less than eight percent of us are successful in keeping our resolutions, and this makes me wonder. We get to set our own resolutions, but we somehow manage to set ourselves up for failure. So with this in mind, I decided to come up with a half dozen sure fire resolutions which guarantee success.

Resolution number one: I resolve to eat no more than 61 cookies in one setting. Back when I was a kid my grandmother used to say, “Take two they are kind of small.” As a kid I would regularly grab as many as my little paws could muster, sneak into my grandma’s kitchen and wolf them down.  I would guess my record at 20, but why set myself up for failure.

Resolution number two:  I resolve to accept applications for a few new friends. Make no mistake, I have plenty of friends already. I’m really not looking for any new ones, but one never knows. My outspoken views on just about everything sometimes creates issues and one or two of these folks might move away or die.  Why not have a few applications on hand just in case.  Fill out this form and I’ll get back to you if I have any openings.

Resolution number three: I resolve to accept any gifts of cash, store credits or other financial instruments offered up by anyone. I will even smile as I open the envelope. Everyone knows there’s no such thing as too much money or too much fun.

Resolution number four:  I resolve to never take a sleeping pill and Ex-Lax at the same time. We’ve all read about the danger of drug interactions, and my guess is this one would be pretty dangerous.

Resolution number five: I resolve to never eat a banana without peeling it first. Since everybody seems love food-based resolutions, why not throw another one in the mix?  I’ve heard of people swearing off potatoes because they are fattening, sausage due to the nitrates, coffee for the caffeine and lots of other great things. But, I like French fries, Jimmy Dean is my friend and without coffee I fall asleep in meetings. This is one I am sure even old QC Jones can keep.

Resolution number six: I resolve to not use the death of my Great-Aunt Sally as an excuse for skipping work. After using poor Sally’s death as an excuse to get out of tests in college, skipping work as a twenty-something and a plan to skip boring parties at age 50, I am guessing lots of people are wondering how many of my loved ones are named Sally. Plus, as I push closer to senior citizenship, I wonder just how old dear Sally might be?

I know what you are thinking. This is the goofiest list of resolutions you’ve ever heard. But, why be a looser in the great game of resolution setting. It’s the power of positive thinking.  And, speaking of positive thinking…. I am positive that 2016 will start sometime just after midnight on December 31st, 2015.  I hope you will join Ol’ QC Joines in a life of prosperity and positivity for the coming year.  Just saying….