May 29, 2018
Say Yes to the Dress
By John & Joan Maxwell
Cinnamon Ridge Farms
Striding with purpose into Goodwill, I knew I was stepping outside my comfort zone. Like a basketball play at a key moment of the game, I rehearsed the plan in my mind. “John,” I coached myself, “let’s get in there, find what you need, and get out.” With that pep talk, the automatic doors opened for me to enter, and I glanced briefly at the mannequin in the window. Aha!! It was almost too good to be true! On her slender frame hung just what I was looking for: a shimmering, white wedding gown. Without hesitation, I approached the clerk behind the counter. “Could you please get that dress down for me? I need to try it on.” With wide eyes and a priceless expression, the clerk deftly maneuvered the dress off the display and held it out to me. With the long lacy train trailing almost to the floor, off I marched to the changing rooms.
Though I’d worn a men’s suit in a wedding before, wedding dresses were totally new territory for me. As part of a 50th-anniversary wedding celebration, I had been asked to be in a mock ceremony. The idea was to “recreate” the wedding day for the celebrated couple, but with a humorous catch: all the genders were switched! Somehow it’d been determined that I should play the bride, and I had been tasked with finding my own costume. My frugality had landed me here in Goodwill.
After the door to the fitting room latched behind me, I got right down to business. A few swift moves, and my jeans, shoes, and polo shirt were in a pile on the rather dusty stool. With a deep breath, I reached up through the voluminous silky skirt, putting both my arms through, like a center going up for the perfect rebound. Then with just some small difficulty, I finagled the dress up and over my head, so that it slid down over my shoulders and chest. My head was covered all in white, but suddenly, everything started going in slow motion. What I began (in my mind at least) like LeBron James executing a skillful fastbreak layup, somehow now I more resembled Winnie the Pooh, a wedged bear in a great tightness. The dress had gotten to the point of no return: stuck immovably over my belly. With my arms pinned over my head, I began to realize things were definitely not going to plan. I could not get it back up over my head.
So there I was one half pinned in a white dress and the other half of 6’3” me in my underwear and socks. Who of all the strangers in the store could I possibly ask for help–without traumatizing them or me?? In vain, I twisted and squirmed every which way but, like a fly caught in a spider’s gossamer web, that only seemed to make it worse. Suddenly, somehow, through the milky, translucent fabric, I dimly spied a hook on the wall. Now we’re talking! With the illumination of the dress’ filtered white light, I had an epiphany! A little fancy footwork positioned the stool strategically under the hook. With a huge rip that (I’m sure) echoed throughout the store, the hook released me from my silky cocoon.
I looked down at the beautiful, but now shredded dress: it was a size 8. After more carefully trying on other dresses, I learned I am a size 16. Who knew? Unfortunately, I didn’t get a discount buying the ripped dress along with one of the correct size I found. But I did find a pair of heels that fit my feet. Wobbling up the aisle in my high-heeled shoes and bedecked in veil, gown, and garter, I’m sure I made every other bride look more beautiful by comparison. The celebration was fantastic and everyone enjoyed our silly skit. So, it wasn’t a fastbreak, but (after a near disaster) a steady running of the offense to the basket. I’m pretty sure even LeBron James would have enjoyed it.
Today you too can celebrate your event, be it silly or formal, at Cinnamon Ridge Farms. Or make your celebration special with our delicious foods. Perfect for every party, our cheeses and meats are available at the Country Cupboard, located on our farm north of Donahue. Or purchase our products at North Scott Foods or the Freight House Farmers Market. Visit us on the web at www.tourmyfarm.com.
