January 29, 2015
Our Crazy English Language
By Mary Schricker Gemberling
As a former English teacher, I am pretty tuned into our language, its uses and abuses. But I was recently reminded of just how inconsistent and idiomatic our English language can be. A German friend of ours, who has over the years spent considerable time in the United States, visited for two weeks in November. Although Marcus has a pretty good command of English, I found myself on many occasions trying to explain or interpret the meaning of terms or phrases I used. Gary, who is fluent in German, often had to act as the interpreter. As smug Americans, we are often judgmental of non- English speaking people in our country, no matter their nationality. What we forget is that learning our language as small children gives us a distinct advantage in knowing and understanding the foundation of our pronunciations and spelling, not to mention the slang that is unique to the native region of our birth. Maybe the following accounting by author Richard Lederer best shows how really crazy our English language can be!
“There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apples nor pine are in pineapple. English muffins aren’t English, nor are French fries French. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads—which aren’t sweet—are meat. We take English for granted, but if we explore some of its paradoxes, we find that quicksand is slow, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor a pig! Why is it that writers write and painters paint, but fingers don’t fing? Why don’t grocers groce, why don’t hammers ham, and why don’t dumpsters dumpst?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn’t the plural of booth be beeth? One goose, two geese. So—one moose, two meese? One mouse, two mice, means one house, two hice? And one index, two indices? If you throw out some odds and ends, but keep one item, is it an odd or an end? Which one is right to have left?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up while it’s burning down, forms are filled out by being filled in, and an alarm that’s gone off is still going on. People can sit on a bough, though, and cough through the night as they re-read a red book to say they reread it; and whoever finishes first has won one! When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
There is a two-letter word that has perhaps more meanings than any other two-letter English word, and that is the word “UP.” It’s easy to understand “UP” as meaning “toward the sky” or “moving to the top” of something, but why do we wake UP in the morning (just before we get UP)?
At a meeting, we must speak UP in order to bring UP a topic. Then it’s UP to the secretary to write UP a report (unless she can think UP an excuse). We call UP our friends and ask them to come UP for dinner. For them, we brighten UP the room, and we polish UP the silver, hoping they’ve worked UP an appetite. We mess UP the kitchen cooking UP a meal and using towels to soak UP spills. Afterward, we have to clean UP, and the next day, we warm UP the leftovers.
Sometimes, guys lock UP their house, line UP to buy parts, and then fix UP their old cars. Politicians stir UP trouble, especially when they’re UP for election. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is something special! A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. If your can of Drano is empty, it’s all used UP. We open UP a store in the morning, but at night we close UP shop.
If it looks like rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, some things get wet and may end UP being all rusted UP. But when it doesn’t rain for a while, then everything dries UP. And in the winter, things can freeze UP!
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about “UP”! If you want to know more about “UP,” look it UP in the dictionary. It may take UP a fourth of the page, and can add UP to about thirty definitions!
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP your own list of the many uses of “UP.” It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with more than a hundred! I could go on and on, but my time is UP. I’m going to wrap it UP by shutting UP!”
There are many other examples of the oddities of the English lnaguage. Can you imagine how the following sentences would confuse anyone trying to learn the English language??
The bandage was wound around his leg to cover his wound.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
The dump was full, and had to refuse further refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
“No time like the present,” he said. “It’s time to present her the present.”
A large-mouthed bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
Startled, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance on the invalid was invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about who could row the best.
We were too close to the door to close it.
When does are near, a buck does funny things.
Not watching their steps, a seamstress and a sewer fell into a sewer.
On her farm, a woman worked to produce produce.
She wanted to sow, but her sow ate the grain; so she chose to sew.
Next, she hitched her cow to a plough to make a trough.
Then she decided to combine her combines.
That evening, she told her beau to go slow.
But she shed a tear when she saw the tear in her dress.
I had to subject the subject to a test.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
It might be wise to bow to a man with a bow.
John had to write to the right people to keep his rights during his rite.
Mary, a former educator and Seniors Real Estate Specialist, is the author of two books, The West End Kid and A Labor of Love; My Personal Journey Through the World of Caregiving (available at www.amazon.com )
