September 6, 2017
Just Saying…
By Q.C. Jones
The Poopateer – A New Menace in Gotham
All across our fair city, ok Cities as in Quad Cities, there lurks a new and utterly dastardly villain. Menacing the populace, creating havoc and perplexing our fine men and women in blue. I suppose it had to happen. Superman had his Lex Luther, for Batman it was the Joker and remembering back when I skipped world news jumping instead to the comic strips, Dick Tracy battled mightily to put Pruneface and Flattop behind bars.
True Story, we face our own special breed of evil. The QCA’s own personal menace of evil. Allow me to explain.
I am a member of a website called Nextdoor.com. Paraphrasing from their website, it’s a private social network for your neighborhood and the easiest way for neighbors to track down a trustworthy babysitter, handyman, or find a lost dog.
The site serves as an early warning system for criminal activity. And, without spreading undue alarm, there has been an uptick in criminal activity in our QCA. The latest report indicates something like 900 vehicles have been stolen in our fair city since the beginning of 2016 with fourteen cars stolen during the first ten days of May. My own personal neighborhood has not been spared from these statistics. Numerous neighbors report cars ransacked, broken into and even stolen. This website makes it up-close and personal.
Based on personal observation, it appears a few criminals have migrated from vehicle-based malaise to vandalism and other forms of criminal mischief. Possibly the worst is an evil mastermind who goes by the name – The Poopateer. One of my neighbors reported waking up and discovering they were the latest victim of this menacing character. Here’s the details.
Morning coffee in hand, this hapless citizen ventured to the front porch to discover, their mailbox, door knob and countless other items on the front porch covered with a fresh, pungent coat of “poop.” Within minutes these formerly joyous folks realize crime has definitely moved to what we professionals refer to as “criminal activity number two.” Vile, nasty, shocking and coarse can’t begin to describe the violation faced.
As an investigative reporter, I would like to make a few suggestions toward the solving of this terrible dung on humanity. Like Detective Tracy hot on the trail of Pruneface, these might uncover the true identity of the culprit.
Crime Tip Number One: Scientific Testing
Based on being the veteran of hundreds of hours of CSI-type shows, I know crime labs can determine the source of the mystery material employed by the Poopateer. Answering the exact origin of the fecal evidence could be the first tip in the case. Canine, cat, cow, canary or cave dweller would be a major lead. For instance, common “cow pies” might send detectives off in search of cowboy hat wearing whackos with a penchant for bovine care. Canary droppings would narrow the search to someone with a bird fond of saying “Polly wants a cracker”. You get the idea.
Crime Tip Two: DNA Testing
Forensic experts tell us excrement is rich in DNA. Once a suitable sample has been gathered, DNA testing can progress. I know what you are thinking, isn’t this just good for people. The answer is no. DNA tests have been derived for dogs (and I suppose kitties too). Designed to help the owners of mix breed mutts determine their dog’s linage, these kits allow a person to unravel the mystery surrounding the ancestry of their dawg. Reports stating Fido is 22 percent Newfoundland, 50 percent Dachshund, 26 Poodle and 2 percent Mexican sewer rat are typical.
Further, DNA testing on the human side could provide a wealth of clues. For instance, my recent Ancestry.com DNA test uncovered much. I had no idea that I had even a drop of Irish blood in me: in fact I have an adversity to green beer and deep rooted suspicion of leprechauns. Yet it turns out QC Jones stands at 20 percent Irish. So based on DNA results we might surmise the Poopateer is Irish, German or Samburu. But the Ancestry test revealed more.
My DNA test revealed not only base line ancestry but clusters of likely relatives in the US. We might identify the Poopateer as coming from a family in Appalachia or the Big Apple. Further, the result listed over 1,400 cousins ranging from 1st to 6th in nature. Now, we have something to check out. Authorities might start the interviews with something like this. “Mr. Jones do you happen to have a relative in the QCA who made mud-pies with “alternative” materials? Well, you get the drift.
The crime stopping tips might extend into the dozens. We don’t have time. But allow me to end this with a final suggestion: Video Cameras. Crime used to be characterized as “getting a little dirt on your hands”. Somewhere there is a gas stations or convenience store where a person with very dirty hands. Just saying…
