50+ Lifestyles

Just Saying…

By Q.C. Jones

Santa runs afoul of Minnesota Law

It was a week or so before Christmas 1983. I was pushing 30 and near a turning point in my life. The career was gaining momentum, and once more I found myself working late on a Thursday night. My lovely bride decided to take in a movie with some friends. We planned a dinner rendezvous following the show. What I heard next left a lasting impact on my life.

The three of them literally pranced through the restaurant and seemingly hovered above their chairs as they blurted, “We just saw the movie of your life story. You’ve got to go see it tomorrow.” Not really sure what to think and always susceptible to peer pressure, I promised to escort my wife to the movie sometime the next weekend.

The movie? A Christmas Story. And as my friends and spouse promised, A Christmas Story portrayed my pre-pubescent quest for the most coveted of All-American Male Christmas presents; a genuine Red Ryder BB gun.  Here’s a quick story line:

Christmas is approaching and nine year-old Ralphie wants only one thing: a Red Ryder Range 200 Shot BB gun. Every dream and fantasy involve wrapping his young fingers around the genuine wooden stock and polishing the cold hard steel of the BB gun’s barrel. He writes Christmas lists with only one present mentioned. He hints to his mom, Santa and every adult in earshot but gets the same reaction; he’ll put his eye out. When the big day arrives, the Christmas tree is loaded with packages of all kinds, but even his favorite auntie ends up buying him new underwear. But, this being America and the movie does have a happy ending. Santa comes through and Ralphie ends up with the present of his dreams – a Red Ryder.

It was as if the names were changed to protect the innocent. In my neighborhood, all the “older kids” had their very own BB gun. For some reason, in our parent’s minds, the proper age of BB gun consent hovered around ten. If a young man could muster up the proper persuasive skills, he might become the hero of his friends. On the other hand, a poorly placed foul-up could ruin your life. A street smart youth understood the months approaching the Yule Season were perfect for demonstrating model behavior, maturity and willingness to keep their beds made.  Throwing in a well-publicized closet cleaning or unrequested trip to the trash could put you at the head of the BB gun hierarchy.

Being devious and careful to put on a big show of “advanced maturity,” I found my way into the brotherhood of Red Ryderism at a young age. And, with only a few minor mishaps, I was able to avoid shooting out my eye or any of the families windows. Unfortunately, my younger brother was not quite so lucky. Sometime shortly following Christmas, my younger brother lost his new found right to bear a BB gun by putting a microscopic hole in the upstairs window, but that is a story for later.

As a grownup, I have made it a point to award Red Ryders to nephews and scions of friends as a rite of passage. A good many of these young men have grown up and have continued the tradition of gifting a BB gun. With the possible exception of their wives insisting they skip a night out with their pals, none of these kids are incarcerated. Nobody wears an eye patch and to the best of my knowledge, windows have gone relatively unscathed. Santa (and Uncle QC) have been pretty successful.

But, times are changing.  Recently the courts of Minnesota have ruled that Red Ryders and their ilk are now classified as dangerous firearms. Boys being boys, my guess is they are still asking the Jolly Red One to traffic firearms over state lines in his sleigh. I suspect some may even look to catch Santa in the act and move him from a bright red suit to the florescent orange of some state pen. Let’s hope not.

In other news, yours truly, QC Jones, has decided to enter the international ugly Christmas Sweater sponsored by a big website. For some reason, I have always had a warm spot in my heart for cowboy hats and sweaters. And, finally got the perfect Holiday outfit perfected. I know many of you aren’t striving to “keep up with the Jones,” but I would get a massive thrill out of receiving a picture of your favorite Ugly Sweater.  If you happen to have it on, all the better. My email address is QuadCityJones@gmail.com. We can’t promise you a massive prize or a chance to win megabucks. However, we will give you a big Christmas Greeting and a list of QC’s favorite Holiday movies.

For now, Santa please don’t get apprehended in Minnesota. The PC Police are watching.  Just saying…

PS, I know some of you will not appreciate these comments but consider this. The red dye in my cowboy hat made me do it. Hate mail is appreciated, too.