February 4, 2019

Just Saying…

By Q.C. Jones

Now That was Cold and Cruel

Custom has Saint Valentine as the patron of love, romance and all things warm and fuzzy. February and its notorious holiday brings, at least for most, lots of warm-hearted memories of love and tenderness. But I believe this to be nothing more than a cruel myth created in an illuminati-like conspiracy. All this red laced, heart-shaped, hocus-pocus is not some benevolent practice but a cold and cruel joke played out on mankind.

I know these bold statements will upset some. Others may get angry, mad and outright disgusted. I hate being the bearer of such news but I take my role as 50+ Lifestyles investigative journalist quite seriously. I have proof. The whole thing is cold and cruel. Join me as I lay out the case for conspiracy.

Saint Valentine probably did not even exist

All that is reliably known of the saint commemorated on February 14 is his name. Truth is most don’t know if he was a single person or a pseudonym for a group of people. Extending further, and taking into consideration my gas station driven male-privileged outlook, I could be wrongly assuming the saint was in fact a male. Nobody knows.

Demonstrating how this whole thing is playing out; Back in 1969, the Catholic Church did some reviews of what they call martyrologies and hagiographies (which are fancy words for martyr and saint biographies). Their aim was to separate the fact from fiction. Sadly, Mr. Valentine came down on the wrong side of the fact-fiction divide. His… and there I go with that male-privileged thing again, anyway… his name was removed from the General Roman Calendar. I say, adios to this person regardless of his sex.

Valentine’s Day commemorated his death not birth

Digging into what many would call the Valentine’s conspiracy, it seems the original February 14th date commemorated not the birth but the death date of this Valentine character. I see this as part of a twisted plot to somehow tie a day of love to the passing of some phony character. My guess is Al Capone was a member of an Italian illuminati group and decided to give normal folk a clue to solving the puzzle by arranging for the famous Chicago Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre of 1929. My guess is the seven members of North Side Gang found this to be cold and cruel.

Anecdotal evidence of Conspiracy

On the subject of cold and cruel, it seems my high school English teacher participated in this evil scheme. As an impressionable youth of 16, I was forced to wade through pages of “gobbledygook” referred to as Old English. While I have found many uses for the furniture fixer by the same name, I struggle to find one socially redeeming point in reading the English language before it was English. Standing front and center to the whole “Old” thing was a guy named Geoffrey Chaucer of Canterbury Tales fame. We’ll call him “Jeff” for short.

It seems back in 1381, “Jeff” composed a poem to honor the engagement of England’s Richard II and Anne of Bohemia. Research indicates this was the first tie of “Love and Happiness” with Valentine’s Day. Of course, Richard’s greatest accomplishment seems to his harsh putdown of what was called the Peasant’s Revolt. Perhaps the common folk weren’t all that keen on sending Valentine’s Day Cards. Historians often refer to Richard as a cold and cruel tyrant. Let me ask, do you see a trend here?

But wait there is more…

The average American couple spent $133.91 total on gifts for each other on Valentine’s Day per the National Retail Federation. Men spend $108.38, while women kick in the remaining 20 bucks or so. Going back to my “male privileged” thing, one might wonder why we guys get stuck dropping a C-note while the gals getting away cheap. Cold hearted and cruel, well I am guessing the jury is still out, but let’s jump back to our buddy “Jeff”. One need only read his poem entitled “The Miller’s Tale” to understand the situation. Hate mail can be addressed to The Poet’s Corner at West Minster Abbey but don’t count on a reply, Jeff passed back in 1399. Pretty cold of him, right?

Those darn Romans had it right

Our present Valentine’s Day probably came from a Roman Festival called Lupercalia which was observed on the same day. It seems this festival was tied to purification and spring cleaning. Drunk men were allowed to run through the streets naked in search of willing women (really you can’t make this stuff up). The whole deal was popular while Rome was in its prime, but got banned around 500 AD. You talk about getting to the party late…

Finally, maybe in real terms if my wife reads this

I like spring cleaning. I like drinking wine. I don’t look all that good in a toga. I think banning Lupercalia was cold and cruel. Conspiracy?

Just saying….

Filed Under: History, Humor