January 3, 2020

Just Saying…

By Q.C. Jones

Life on the Naughty Side of the List

OK, So it’s a new year. Santa and his Elfin gang have come and gone. By now they’re all laying around the North Pole. Their ever-present propaganda machine blares out the message of a Jolly Old Elf and his do-gooder pals exhausted from delivering presents to all the good little boys and girls around the world. But I’m not buying into this massive missive of Fake News. Let me break it to you, the North Pole Cartel isn’t exhausted, they’re totally blotto.

Eggnog flavored with cheap bourbon and lord knows what else does that to a person; even a blubbery fat, beard- wearing weirdo who calls himself Saint Nick. All I can say is, yeah sure. What kind of Saint goes tippy-toeing around the house late at night carrying a big sack full of toys? Thinking a bit about the whole situation, I wonder what would happen if the police did a quick stolen goods check against that stash of presents. Even more, I wonder what other contraband is coming across the border in that sleigh. Could Santa and his accomplices be flying under the radar for some other reason?

Somebody’s got to investigate this Santa thing. Why not now, and why not QC Jones? Donning my best investigative hat heading out, allow me to set things straight.

Santa? Hmm… Santa, Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, Saint Nick, Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas and a dozen or so other names all point back to the same guy. Does this smack of criminal aliases? How many other people do you know with that number of “also known as” names on their rap sheet?

What about that North Pole location? Am I the only one who sees an out of the way place as a hideout rather than a toy shop? I’ve watched enough 1960s westerns to know the bad guys never pick a house on Main Street as their hideout. Further, besides being hard to get to, the North Pole seems to be just outside the jurisdiction of any kind of law enforcement.

By now you are probably wondering why such an article would appear in a serious publication like 50+ Lifestyles. Let me explain.

Christmas Morning 2019: Feeling pretty good about my track record for the year, I jumped out of bed early and made a dash for the family fireplace. Laying around the mantle were the stockings bearing the names of my lovely wife, children and grandkids – all stuffed with oranges, apples, toys and great presents. Off to the side, like a leper at the colony, sat my stocking with a few shiny lumps of bituminous minerals.

I have nothing at all against coal. QC comes from a long line of coal miners, but this constant flow of socks full of coal burns me like a smoldering clinker from my grandma’s coal stove.* Thinking back to 1977, I received a bundle of switches instead of coal. It wasn’t that I was any more, or less naughty. It’s just that 1977 was the year of the big 110-day United Mine Workers strike. Coal being in short supply and hard to come by, Santa substituted a bundle of wooden sticks. All I can say is, “pretty sneaky” you red-suited wack-job.

By now you are probably wondering the point of all this… Right? While I believe in Santa, I don’t believe Santa has
treated me fairly. Not saying I was the most perfect kid, or even close to perfection as an adult. But after reading up on my rights, I wonder if Santa’s incessant snooping as outlined in the song would stand up in a court of law. Here’s Santa’s testimony:

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, He knows when you’re awake…”

“You better watch out, You better not cry.”

“You better not pout, I’m telling you why.”

What about my right to privacy? What about my constitutional right to face my accuser (or accusers if those elves are involved)? All I am saying is after Christmas 2019, I demand a recount. I want my constitutional rights. I want an attorney who specializes in North Pole Justice.

Now on with the story: In Mexico the kids place their faith in the Three Wise Men. They celebrate the last day of Christmas, January 6th, as “Día de Los Reyes” or in English “The Day of the Kings” or Epiphany. Kids down south of the border, know Three Kings can carry more presents than some broken down old Elf; magic reindeer or not. Imagine all the goodies that can be packed onto a string of camels. Think of the loot that’s sure to flow, like gold, frankincense or myrrh (whatever that is). Think about unwrapping presents without snow.

I am planning on being on the sunny shores of Banderas Bay just in time for the Magi to find me. I plan on leaving the door to the balcony open. Happy 2020 and “Solo digo” (as they say in Mexico). Just saying…

*Check out my story about my grandma’s coal stove at https://www.50pluslife.com/2019/07/30/just-saying-46/

Filed Under: History, Humor